Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
