What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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