I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
