So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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