can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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