U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
