well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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