I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
