the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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