hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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