It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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