the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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