god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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