i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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