smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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