New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
