Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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