How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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