I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
