I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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