Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
