i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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