he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
