You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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