Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
