I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
