my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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