I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
my liver is dry heaving
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
