I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
