If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
