y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
