You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
