One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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