you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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