hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
