dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You left your phone here
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