A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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