Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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