grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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