I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this boner is exhausting
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Church boner. Awkwardddd
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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