My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
