Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
