Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
