then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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