His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm experimenting with sincerity
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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