apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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