fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
