Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
