do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
