When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
false alarm. still invincible.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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